Disinterest

I haven’t had sex in over a year.

This concerns me in two very different ways:

1) I have no real desire to have sex. I’ve even told some of my friends this. I still have an online dating profile, the dating apps, etc., but I am wholly disinterested in any form of sex. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get “worked up” by myself, but just that I’m not interested in trying to find someone to do it with me.

2) I’m disinterested in everything. I’ve always wondered if I have had depression, but after being unemployed for 3 months (going on my 4th month in a few days), I feel like doing nothing. I wake up, check for new jobs, send some emails, and then feel disinterested in everything. I used to love playing video games, but I hardly have any interest in that, despite a brand new Wii U and a Steam library full of games. I can’t even focus enough to watch TV shows, as a combination of anxiety and complete disinterest come over me after a few minutes. The only thing that I am not disinterested in is writing. It feels therapeutic.

I’m wondering if my sexual disinterest stems from the possible increasing depression I have been in over the past year. I know the micro-aggressions I am dealing with by living in a homophobic household have started to take a real toll on my psyche.

I’m fighting to convince myself everything will work out, eventually. I feel like once I get a job, I will be able to move out and really start my life. The back of my brain, however, is riddled with thoughts of “If you wanted to start your life, why wait?” I don’t want to wait, I just feel incapacitated. I’m hoping I hear of another job opportunity or if I get that job this week. I really need a win.

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